I have been working on a post about pregnancy symptoms the past 2 days – yes, they are many and varied. As you can probably tell, this is not that post. Although, it does touch on one of the symptoms I struggle quite a lot with – pregnancy/porridge brain depending on your preference. As a writer, I have been quite traumatised by the inability to string sentences together from my personal thoughts. Research and writing on tech and telecoms is a breeze, small business tips – easy peasy, but a full sentence describing how I am feeling — impossible! It may also be partly the hormonal emotions that fly all over the place whenever I concentrate on anything to do with “me”; but mostly it is a kind of personal amnesia – what plagued me yesterday is mostly a second-hand memory by the time I try to write it down. Thoughts that are chrystal clear right now, are soupy and vague a minute later and I start far more sentences than I ever finish. So I have decided to let go of the symptoms post for today and come back to it another day rather than stare at the words and torture them into twisted turns of phrase.
We are 9 weeks pregnant today. We have our first “proper” scan Monday next week and we are convinced/concerned/terrified that we might be having twins – no logical reason for the thought of course, just a vague certainty. I am also the size of a small to medium sized house, so it is a hope too in a way as I feel my enormous size would be justified by carrying twins. Brett and I have always really wanted a boy, and yet we both feel certain this is a girl… or 2, depending on the day. Part of me thinks having twins would be wonderful, getting through all the stages all at once instead of just getting past the “worst of it” in terms of sleepless nights and nappies only to start all over again. We want 2 children, but we are already in our 30s and though some people say that is still young, my body and my mind know otherwise and I feel pregnancy is scary enough without the additional fears that come with being pregnant when you are older. On the other hand… how on earth would one afford twins!!?? And what if we have “those” babies, the ones that take turns sleeping essentially meaning you NEVER EVER get to sleep again.
I know there are plenty of things to worry about without borrowing trouble, but this feels like a very real possibility to me today. I have found my fears have grown as the scan approaches, and this isn’t even the “big” one that addresses the real scary issues (which will happen in about 3 weeks). I think it is just that we are caught in that place between time flying forward and time standing still that occurs at all major turning points in life.
My favourite of all symptoms is calling now (the ravenous hunger) and my wonderful husband has just made me Mac n Cheese with loads of crispy bacon bits, so that’s all for this evening. Over the weekend I will be working on creating a functioning forum and we will be attending the Baba Indaba and collecting cards and info for the resources pages. Night all!