Most of my life until not so long ago was driven by fear; from the grand sweeping fear of change and not being good enough, to the simple fear of flying. I have taken on and overcome most of my fears over the past few years.
It wasn’t long ago that I was an underappreciated account executive working for an abusive boss; I had no self esteem or self confidence; I was everybodies doormat; I had never left Cape Town and was terrified of never being more than that and of never being loved or having children.
Today I am happily married; I am a mother to a perfect, beautiful baby girl; I have travelled across the world and I am doing what I love; my own boss, able to work from home and be with my baby. So the fears I once had, that seemed bigger than I could ever be, seem very far away.
For right now, one of my greatest fears is not being able to get back to my daughter when she needs me. It may seem like a small thing compared to others; but sometimes it is all-consuming and it prevents me from doing everyday things.
It stems from her being exclusively breastfed and refusing to take a bottle. I’m terrified that I will be out somewhere and unable to get back to her by her next feed and she will starve.
I am terrified that my car will break down or I’ll get into an accident or get hijacked. I’m scared I will get stuck in a queue that doesn’t move or a meeting that runs late. In my nightmares there is no specific thing; I can just hear her screaming to be fed and no matter how fast I run or who I fight, I can’t get to her.
I am aware that she wouldn’t actually starve; that were she to get hungry enough, she would take that bottle. I feel quite ill even thinking about her ever getting that desperate. The thought of her screaming for me and my not coming sets off a violent primal feeling deep inside me.
Fear evolves as we do; once Charly is no longer completely reliant on me to eat, this fear will dissipate and be forgotten; replaced by another bigger seemingly overwhelming fear of her falling down or being disappointed or getting lost or getting her heart broken… With children there really is no end to the things we will be afraid of.
So that’s it. I’m afraid as far as writing goes; there aren’t too many original fears – death, being alone, losing the people we love, letting people down, anything bad happening to our partners, parents, siblings, friends and most especially our children. We are human; fear of these things effect each and every person in some way at one time or another; it is what equalises us.
#Writersbootcampza Day 3