Will try catch up while Charly feeds. My right hand still has pins and needles so typing is a bit tough & I am adapting this on my phone from a whatsapp message I sent. I really struggled when deciding whether to share how our first day home went because I am struggling with the shame that comes with the raw mix of emotions involved; but I promised to be honest and maybe this is the final purpose for this blog – forcing myself to confront things instead of running and hiding as is my instinct.
Firstly, Charly is gorgeous; way more beautiful than I could ever have imagined. It is all still a little surreal; though since getting home it is starting to sink in that there is a tiny human in our family now. I really thought the outpouring of new moms of “love of my life” and centre of the universe was a little OTT, but I get it now. I spend a lot of time just staring at her in awe of the fact that I had a part in making this perfect little human!
Yesterday however was awful. First we found out she has some jaundice (after 2 days of me telling everyone she seemed yellowish to me & being told I was just overreacting), though they let her come home in the end we just have to keep a close eye on her colour.
She also has heavy sleep periods in the day, sleeping through feed times completely & then wakes up starving and too hysterical to latch. And when she sleeps like that it’s terrifying coz nothing wakes her; we’ve changed her, wiped her down etc she just mumbles and keeps sleeping. It may be jaundice related but the pediatrician says it also might just be the way she is. Yesterday she went 7 hrs without feeding & her tummy was grumbling so loudly and she just screeched and wouldn’t latch at all. I was convinced I was killing her by starving her (& not in a I’m going to be a bad mom way; in a my child may die in the next few hours because I can’t even get her to eat) & I completely lost it. I ended up making up some formula intending to give it to her, but instead thanks to my oldest & closest friend flying in to the rescue, I calmed enough to drip a few drops into her mouth to take the edge off and then managed to latch her.
My nipples are blistered and cracked & my milk isn’t in yet; I had laser twice yesterday and the doctor has me on pills to get my milk to come in. Even though it hurts like crazy sometimes, so far I have not been tempted to not feed because of it. I notice it more when she isn’t feeding that when she is.
My cut still feels like it is on fire & I am really struggling to move around at all; though in the crisis yesterday I did far more than I should have, went up & down the stairs and walked with her back and forth etc. Was horrifyingly painful but in the end it was the first time I felt like I wasn’t failing her coz I was doing things. I am definitely going to blog on the c-section experience, I had some bad turns so I know mine doesn’t reflect the norm, but the worst parts for me were things nobody had ever mentioned to me & so I feel I definitely need to share that.
Brett has been amazing throughout; he has done every nappy change, clothing change, winding, settling baby when she cries & me when I cry, he went to buy formula and milk pills and pain meds as soon as he almost had us settled and home and he runs up and down the stairs bringing me food and jungle juice (he also made that for me). And he is an incredible dad already; walking and singing and being patient as she screams while comforting me while I cry because she is screaming (this is as much because my uterus contracts causing extreme physical pain as the heartache of hearing her pain & until today, not being able to even get up to hold her or comfort her). I am blown away even just watching him watch her, they are already so in love with each other.
In the end I have basically been feeding Charly non stop since the craziness of yesterday, doing everything I can to make sure she doesn’t get crazy hungry before a feed. Until my milk comes in, I will just keep doing that. I am still using the formula, but 2 drops on the nipple to get her to latch and then all natural.
So that is all for now. Charly has fallen asleep on me and I am going to try dose off for a while. Strangely the sleep deprivation doesn’t seem to phase me much. Pretty sure it is shock and adrenalin, so just planning on taking advantage of lots of baby naps.
Thank you all for the endless messages of love and support; I am so very blessed to have you all in me life. I have already told Charly all about you xxx