Putting 2018 in the past – looking back to move forward

I am incredibly resistant to writing this. I need to though, because I want 2018 to stay where it is – in the past. So I need to unpack it all… Look one last time and let go. 2018 has been full of loss, devastation, heartache, disappointment and unreached goals. It has also held elements of inspiration, clarity of purpose, finding true friends to replace those who didn’t deserve my heart and finding our forever home.

2018 – the shock of loss

2018 began with the devastating loss of my gran, the shockwaves of which are still ebbing through our raw hearts over these holidays. We had holidays without her last year, but with hope… First that she would heal and come back to us and then that she could be free of the prison she was in. We didn’t realise then quite how devastating this loss would be for Charly and the ways in which it would shape so much of our year.

Charly’s anxiety began climbing within a couple of weeks. And it hasn’t slowed down. It began with separation anxiety from me, her go to when things get rough. I know this is technically a good thing, because it shows she feels safe with me, but it is so stressful. If my mom, Brett or I get sick, she also gets incredibly anxious. It breaks my heart that she thinks a bad cold can end in hospitals and loss.

Losing the baby

And this of course also played a huge part in our ectopic pregnancy journey. As with my pregnancy with Charly, I had intense pregnancy symptoms from early… nausea, exhaustion, reflux. Because of Charly’s instant fear when I got sick, we decided to tell her about the pregnancy earlier than we might have otherwise. We didn’t want her worrying when I was ill for up to 3 or 4 months and we didn’t want her blaming a baby for it once she found out.

I was stressing about the difficulty of pregnancy and the challenge of momming two kids, but I never expected to lose the baby. Especially in the traumatic way that I did. I never wanted to lie to my girl, but there was no way I was letting her mourn a baby she never knew. She should never have known about the baby. I will always be furious with myself for it, I can still see the look of elation on her face when she found out she was going to be a big sister and the devastation on her face when I told her we had been wrong. That I had been ill with a tummy bug and they were wrong about a baby. It will haunt me every day for the rest of my life.

Losing time in 2018

I lost time in 2018. I nearly lost my life, but in the end it was only a few months. A few months that changed everything, that changed me. I spent so much time waiting to “get myself back”. I kept thinking if I give myself a little more time, I would “find my way back”. Only after returning to therapy and making some other life changes did I begin to see that the other me was not coming back. I had to get to know and live with the person I became.

Reprioritising in 2018

Shifting from the excitement and joy of bringing a new life into the world, to losing that life and nearly your own causes some kind of shattering of what you think you know. At first, only working in the day seemed like a failing, part of being broken. Stopping what I was doing to cuddle with Charly and read books or colour in felt like “slacking off”. My complete lack of interest in the happenings of the people around me felt like selfishness. It took me a good few months to realise I had just reprioritised.

I was prioritising my wellbeing, sleep, healing and time with my little girl over work. Not engaging with unneccessary drama that didn’t affect my life, because, well, it didn’t affect my life. It got to the point where I literally had no idea what people were referring to when they did. I was prioritising my physical recovery, and then my emotional recovery. I am holding onto this moving forward into 2019… Time and energy have value, far too much to waste on unimportant things.

People in 2018

One of the things I have realised this year is that there are some folks out there that really aren’t good people. I tend to believe the best in everyone. Working in a space like car seats will destroy that. The lack of ethics in people who are supposed to be passionate about child safety terrifies me. I have toughened up somewhat on that, because my whole purpose in life is to protect children and I can’t tolerate people who use that to take advantage of me… Or anybody wanting to keep their child safe.

On the other hand, I have become friends with some of the most incredible people this year. I’ve been held and carried by women I have never even met, and some I have. I’ve had people fight for me and what I do. I have had people reach out to me and tell me how I have changed their lives or saved their children. I was instantly surrounded and held by my internet family through the depths of loss. People in 2018 restored my faith in humanity… And that is why I will keep doing what I do.

Our forever home

2018 was an incredibly difficult year, but there is a distinct highlight. I wrote about my being torn around schooling for Charly and then having dreamed about one. I did the investigating and found it really is one of those schools where you do not get in unless you live in the area. Comparing the pricing of this school and the only other option I really believe would work for her, I realised that for a a bit more a month, we could actually look at buying a forever home in the area to get her into the school.

Brett and I have been watching homes in this area since before Charly was born. Having moved every 2 to 5 years growing up, having real and very permanent roots is a life goal for me. This area is a community in the real sense, so I made a list of houses and off we went to explore. Two of the places I liked the look of weren’t on show that first day, but I got the numbers and contacted them on the Monday morning. I went to one on the Monday, it was such a lovely home. It had everything. I went home and my mom asked me how it was, and I told her about it. She took one look at me and said, that isn’t the one.

On the Tuesday I walked in the front door of the last house on my list and I knew. Walking from room to room, I could see our lives unfolding. It was above our budget by quite a bit, but it is doable (just) if I refocus my energy, which was part of my 2019 plan already. Standing in the garden, breathing in the mountain air and the view, I could see Charly growing up before my eyes… Pool parties, lazy weekends, our first Christmas and every Christmas after that.

I was shaking when I walked out and I phoned Brett from the car. We came back two days later and as he walked into the kitchen, he said, “I can see Charly and I having breakfast here in the morning”. Within 24 hours we had set everything in motion and our house was on the market a few days after that. We had an incredibly tight clock on us. We had to sell our current house before 15 December for the house to be officially ours.

Nobody has ever cleared out and cleaned up a house and maintained it perfectly for viewings so completely in the history of the world. 3 days after our first showhouse we had our first offer and we accepted it. A second offer came in a few days later and it came down to whichever one’s bond cleared first. On 10 December 2018, the first offer became official, making our offer on our dream home official! On 15 February 2019, we will move into our forever home.

2019

It is here. 2019 has arrived and it is going to involve so much change for us. I can’t help but feel, after 2018, that this is a fresh start. The beginning of our happily ever after. I know it is a lot to put onto a house, or onto a year, but in all honesty, I literally almost didn’t survive this year. So even though I am leaving a home that I have loved, that I grew up in, became engaged in, became a wife in, and became a mother in… It is also a home that I lost pets in, lost friends in, nearly lost my marriage in, lost a baby in, nearly died in…

I am a believer in starting over… In new beginnings. I do treat new years and new months, sometimes even new weeks, as if they have magical power… Because for me they do… A new day is a new chance to do better, live happier, love deeper and learn more than the day before.

2018 is gone. I am leaving the worst of the broken pieces there, to rest. I’ve left some of the broken pieces of who I once was there too. When I move into my forever home in February, I will leave the last of 2018 in this house.

I wish you and your family enough. Enough love, peace, money, happiness, strength, bravery, determination to make the year ahead the best you’ve ever had.

Sending you all the love xxx