This topic annoyed me today. It brought to mind a tumbling of cliches that were just too much for me after the past week and a bit of crying, sleepless, ear-tugging, gum-scrubbing and feed-struggling. It’s amazing to me that 5 days ago I was feeling so full of all things good in spite of a sleepless night; but as those sleepless nights have accumulated and my baby girl has suffered, I’ve been slowly emptying out. And getting annoyed and agitated and stressed.
This is what I feared during my pregnancy; that the sleep deprivation would wear me down and lead me back into a throwing pots state of mind. Well universe, I’m there tonight.
Yet I am more in love with my daughter than ever when she manages to smile through her pain, I feel she will be a bigger person than I am; that smile keeps pulling me back from the edge of despair.
So, doors and windows; I’m feeling the urge to slam doors at the moment and I have no doubt it would be deeply satisfying to smash a few windows. But I can bring in those cliches too…
This #writersbootcampza project has helped me open doors to parts of myself I have only caught glimpses of through closed windows:
It has encouraged me to write, more than I’ve written since chasing down 5 months of work articles in January before I started my maternity leave.
The attempt to catch up with the pack has brought on that old exam-style pressure I used to thrive on and I find I am loving the results.
I have felt challenged to not be too obvious in what I write even though it is my first instinct. This will definitely benefit my client writing.
The last topic pushed me; I haven’t written fiction in a few years now and it really had no place on my blog or relevance to my readers. On the other hand, I took my first real look at my memory of my honeymoon in the States, drawing on my time in New York City and reliving the wonder I felt; a brief window into a perfect moment from before my whole world and self shifted with the addition of Charly to my universe.
And it seems to finally be forcing the full-on writer in me to merge with the mommy.
Hmmmm… This topic may have annoyed me, but it got me writing; and by the time I reached the last paragraph I was feeling calmer. Sometimes when I can’t find the time or feel too stressed to write, I forget how therapeutic I find it. And rereading what I write seems to pull things into perspective for me. So thank goodness I found the urge to push through and knock this out before going to sleep. I have a heavy week ahead with lots of research and work which I need to balance with being there for my daughter as she struggles with these blasted teeth.
Just out of interest, every #writersbootcampza post has been completely written on my phone while managing Charly. This feels like an accomplishment to me somehow. Hope you all have an amazing week!
#Writersbootcampza Day 6