Pregnancy has highlighted the fact that I hide when I am scared, I have done since I was young. My method of choice is to become completely engrossed in books or series or general busy-work, but essentially I put off facing whatever it is until I can’t anymore. I have always said this is how I process things, and maybe it is, because I am not a person who likes to react in the moment and I can eventually rationalise myself into re-engaging with the world and that which has sent me running. It has become more obvious of late as it seems every day of pregnancy brings some new fear along with it and my method of hiding appears to be avoiding writing about whatever I am feeling so as not to “make it real” until I have a handle on things.
The last two days I have felt like I am not pregnant anymore. I can’t explain it any better than that (which has been driving Brett mad) but it has caused me to freeze up again. After lots of tears last night, Brett finally pointed out that maybe this is the second trimester kicking in – I no longer feel rotten all the time (i.e. my experience of “pregnant”) and so I no longer feel “pregnant”. I have decided this sounds perfectly logical and between having just gotten the all clear from the Fetal Assessment Clinic on Tuesday and my next appointment with Dr Georges next Thursday morning, I can live with that for now.
The vivid dreaming has certainly not helped in this regard either. I have always had very clear dreams and plenty of nightmares that cause me to yell and kick and punch in my sleep (poor husband), but none so real as the ones I have had since falling pregnant. There was a moment on Tuesday when the Doctor couldn’t find our Baby girl’s heartbeat, it only lasted a second or two and was clearly the way she was lying and squirming about, but my heart and my breathing stopped completely until she found it again and that has replayed itself over and over in my nightmares since.
On the upside I am no longer afraid of being a mom to a little girl, even half a second of thinking there was something wrong brought a lifetime of clarity as to how much she is loved and wanted already. I have found the perfect sleigh cot and compactum for her room at an amazing price and am excited to be ordering them today so that within the next two weeks her room will begin to take shape. I have also found a gorgeous vinyl sticker for her wall and my sister has been giving me black bags full of beautiful pink baby girl clothes that Chloe (my niece) wore maybe once each – our little bump is going to be so well dressed! – and a gorgeous pink play mat, which is great because the room is so big I am struggling to think how to fill it up!
And we have decided on a name; unfortunately Brett has said he would prefer that we not tell the world until we introduce her in person, so although those of you that know me personally will know, the other mommies and mommies-to-be will only know when she arrives. If he changes his mind, you all will be the first to know!