Apologies and thank you’s to those who expressed concern in my disappearing act – all is fine with me and the baby. We had our 12 week scan yesterday and discovered everything looks great and that we will be having a little girl (a whole new level of scary).
My scarcity was as a result of a sudden onset of terror and superstition in the run up to the scan. Terror over the whole concept of pregnancy and the incessant terrible symptoms that seemed to get worse with every passing day, terror of the myriad things that can go wrong or be wrong with baby, and, of course, utter blinding terror of the actual birth process. And superstition that by creating this site before having done the scan had shown arrogance that the universe was going to punish me for in the worst way.
This was a strange experience for me, as I was not in the least superstitious before. I have always believed in telling people as soon as you are comfortable with it all, as the love, support and warmth that comes in the wake of the announcement is unparalleled. I am also a big believer in sharing all experiences with others in the hope that it will help them feel less alone while helping me to work through whatever the experience might be. But I am guessing there is a special hormone in the pregnancy mix that simply overrides all previous beliefs and logic held with a simple prioritisation of “better safe than sorry” where it comes to baby.
Anyway, so now I am slowly starting to breathe again and that overwhelming fear seems to have subsided to a degree, at least where it comes to the site and karmic payback. Discovering we were having a girl awoke a whole other kind of fear and concern of course. A girl…
I am a survivor of bullying; I was never popular at school, I was chubby, my hair curled but didn’t grow, I had acne at the age of 11, suffered spontaneously dislocating kneecaps which made sports a horrifying prospect and the other kids made me the butt of most jokes. My experience with girls was mostly bad, with a lot of behind the back double talk I could never get my head or my heart around. I am still floored when people say one thing and do another. I never had many girl friends growing up, although over the years I have slowly been blessed with the most incredible group of women in my life – you all know who you are!
Being a little girl was hard. Being a teenage girl was hard. Being a woman is HARD! Every step of the way. I don’t think it is sexist to say that as a woman there are far more things I fear than the men I know do and little girls can be so mean! Far more so than little boys. I am terrified of seeing my little girl treated badly by others, my chest already aches at the thought of the hundreds of potential heartbreaks she will face in her life; I suddenly want to see my mother and hug her tightly. I was a good kid, bookish, nerdy, I only started the rebellious stage late in my teens and it was mild, and still I remember how hard I was on my mom. I am going to have to draw deeply from the women in my life to make sure I get it right and to reign me in on the over-protectiveness and drawing lines fronts.
Of course there are other lighter happier thoughts that come to mind too… pigtails, ponies, ballet shoes, sleepovers, cuddles, long talks, first loves, shopping and one day in the far future the closeness I now share with my mom and my sister that is unrivaled by any other relationships I have had. I have watched my sister and my dear friend Shafeeka raise their little girls this past year in a constant state of awe as the tiny delicateness grows into gorgeous little ladies full of sweetness and light. And again I think of all the amazing women in my life who all have something about them that takes the breath away and I know that, even though this fear is one all mommies of girls live with every day, Brett & I have a chance to raise a little girl to take the world by storm and bring joy and love into the hearts of everyone she meets.