On 14 October I shared a photo of Charly sleeping on Instagram. There was an instant and unanimous response that at first glance, people thought the photo was of me. I was devastated. Doesn’t seem like a normal response, does it? Yeah, I realised pretty quickly that my self esteem is not what I thought. So, here’s the thing… In my head the two alternatives are – if my poor child looks like me, my mommy goggles are exceptional. Or I literally do not see myself in the mirror. I’m not really sure how to verbalize how traumatic this has felt to me.
I am incredibly resistant to writing this. I need to though, because I want 2018 to stay where it is – in the past. So I need to unpack it all… Look one last time and let go. 2018 has been full of loss, devastation, heartache, disappointment and unreached goals. It has also held elements of inspiration, clarity of purpose, finding true friends to replace those who didn’t deserve my heart and finding our forever home.
A few of you may have seen or heard me mention a thing I have been working towards since the beginning of last year called #ProjectMe. I was hinting at it already in 2016 when the idea first came to me, when I was suffering from severe burnout after #CarseatFullstop. It began really clarifying itself when I did the #CTConfidence shoot with Abigail K. And then 2017 sucked me under and the very reason I so desperately needed to begin this journey of reprioritising me – losing myself in the chaos of motherhood and deadlines and finances and and and – became a roadblock to my getting #ProjectMe off the ground.
Late last year I decided 2018 was going to be the best year ever and #ProjectMe was definitely going to be a part of that. And then… of course… this happened. Instagram followers would also have seen that February quickly joined January on the trashheap of 2017. But March! March has been moving in all the right directions! And it is all starting to come together!