I am struggling to write again, unable to quite put how I am feeling into words. I have been unusually down this past week, and only managed to have 2 productive work days – though I managed to nail 5 articles over those 2 days due to using the other days for research.
I have been feeling a bit better about things since Saturday, as it was a fairly good one in terms of preparing for Charly. We FINALLY went and got a quote for curtains (though it has left me feeling ill and I may possibly need to keep looking); we found a great lamp with dimmer switches for the nursery; we bought the last items for our hospital bags & have begun piling things on top of Charly’s toybox that need to be packed; I sorted 90% of the clean baby clothes & packed them into her cupboards and we unpacked her cherry blossom wall decal to get some of the crinkles of packing to fade before we tackle putting it up.
I am quite excited for the decal to be up & the bedding I ordered before Christmas to arrive on Monday; I will finally be ready to show off her nursery a little – as of the moment, not a single picture has been posted anywhere. I need it to look a lot more like what is in my head before sharing it. I think I will be much calmer in general once we have finished the nursery – ironically, we will probably not even use it for the first 6 months, but it is insanely important to me for it to be finished. I think it is symbolic for me to have her space 100% ready for her, as if it will make me suddenly 100% ready to be a mom.
The hospital bag is another item that sits on all my to-do lists and glares at me daily. I know I shouldn’t even be close to worrying about it, as almost all my preggy friends have left the packing ‘til a few days before, but it does worry me. I also know that this is more because I see it as a final step of accepting this is all very real and happening now and once it is done & it lives in my car, there is no going back. Not that I want to go back & a very large part of me is so ready for the next step in this journey, but the last part of me that still feels like a little kid myself and can’t quite process that I am going to be a mom soon, feels like packing the bag is like saying she can come now & I would really prefer she wait at least until after 36 weeks (only 2 weeks away!!).
Monitoring my now rather extended social circle of preggy friends, all of whom are still going strong through their pregnancies and have due dates approaching fast (4 this week alone!), the fear of suddenly going into early labour has diminished quite substantially. In fact, it has been replaced by the rather larger and more daunting fear of having no idea when she might come, and a genuine terror of carrying past my due date. I am already so big & feeling near-constantly uncomfortable and more often lately in quite a bit of pain, the thought of having her growing longer than she should makes me feel quite ill.
Some more fun symptoms that have fully established themselves this week – Full blown carpal tunnel, my fingers ache all the time and bending them can be quite excruciating. My toes ache too, though not sure there is a name for that – I describe the feeling to Brett as them feeling like overstuffed sausages. I am nauseous more often than not, though the ASIC is helping somewhat with that. I am eternally grateful for the reflux meds as late at night or early in the morning I am having breakthrough bouts of acid burn from residue reflux, I cannot IMAGINE how bad it would be at this stage if it is getting past the meds if only for short periods.
And last but certainly not least, the exhaustion of trimester one is fully returned. There are moments and sometimes days where my muscles feel like deflated balloons (that is literally the image I see in my head); my eyes ache and I could easily curl up anywhere I happen to be and fall asleep – sitting in Woolworths waiting for Brett the other day I very nearly lay down on the shoe changing chair and went to sleep.
Thank goodness I don’t have to get into my car and drive to work at an office tomorrow. I honestly have no idea how you office working mommies are surviving this. Hopefully my next post will be a little more upbeat.Happy Monday everyone & so much love and strength to the wonderful ladies becoming mommies or welcoming new babies into the world this week x