“Going back” to work brought mixed feelings. It was tough leaving Charly, even if only for an hour and a half, and there was a lot more guilt than expected. The upside is, the guilt appeared because I really enjoyed my meeting; and the topics for the articles I need to write had me interested and excited to get started (only I would be excited to write about the Protection of Personal Information act – what a giant nerd I am).
For a short while I felt like the “old” me and that stirred up significant guilt; after all, the old me was not Charly’s mom so what did enjoying that mean? Being a logical person, I am well aware that it doesn’t mean anything, but logic and emotion are very rarely found in the same place at the same time and so I have felt uncomfortable with myself all week.
I know I will adjust and I’ve mentioned before that I need to find a way to bring the two halves of me into a cohesive whole; this was just a reminder of how far apart the parts of me have gotten.
This week also saw the full blown arrival of teething – and it seems Charly will be one of the unlucky few who will not weather this storm lightly. It began last week with vigorous mouth rubbing and irritability; starting Sunday night she was virtually pummeling her mouth, yanking her ears, drool pouring, nose running, upset tummy, increased throw up from the overdose of saliva, hysterical screaming in the day and on and off throughout the night, all feeding and sleep routines vanished; it has been incredibly hard to manage. And so my first work week has also included 4am wake ups and my baby wanting mommy more than she has in ages.
This is one of those rough patches that (most of the time) I find manageable, because I can already see the 2 perfect little teeth at the bottom trying to break through and I can feel 3 more sharp points in her mouth; it is one of the few struggles with an obvious (adorable) positive outcome, unlike the suffering of reflux and colic of the early days. Did I mention that I also started a healthier diet as of Monday? In retrospect, depriving myself of my daily doses of sugar (Jellytots, Astros & Ghostpops) in the same week I start working and Charly starts teething might not have been the smartest idea I’ve had. I have managed to do it, though my irritability, agitation and resentment have bubbled over and left me in frustrated tears on and off.
I found myself seriously considering returning to my post-natal antidepressants when I wanted some kind of reward after waking from a total of 4 hours broken sleep covered with dried baby vomit and dealing with a malfunctioned nappy with teething related upset tummy, and realizing we had purged the house of anything that may have helped me face the day. Brett has since bought me chocolate Nesquick & Coco Pops to deal with emergency situations like that.
I am not following any specific diet, just removing the obvious no-nos that had become my way of staying awake and increasing my vegetable to everything else ratio. I will also be starting my wii fit yoga again as of tomorrow if my body will allow it. “Baby steps” as they say as I am currently doing the whole weight loss thing for all the wrong reasons while hoping the right reasons kick in once I settle into it.
The work itself has therefore been very challenging. You can be as excited as you like, but when you are writing about legal acts and business for a journal, you need to do focused research and be able to put it all together in an interesting and unique way, which believe it or not is tough to do on extremely little sleep while suffering sugar withdrawals with a howling suffering baby that is only comforted by you.
It is progressing though; late night research while she sleeps restlessly next to me and the support of my mom entertaining her where she can see me but my hands are free to type, means I have a promising framework in place. I also managed somehow to put together a writing and social media plan for the rest of the year and get that off to the client before the weekend.
My only real wish for the coming week is that my baby girl gets a reprieve from the pain and the teeth that are making her crazy finally make their way through. Even knowing her gorgeous smile will be even cuter than before is not much comfort when I see her so unhappy and unsettled.
And with the completion of this post, I consider this week officially closed and a success (all things considered). Night all x