Today I am pining for internal silence. You know, the kind that can be found randomly when walking through an empty park or lying in a hot bath or curled up in a puddle of sun.
Once you become a mom, I’m not sure it’s possible to have that again. I find wherever there is space, Charlotte pours in – Love, worry, pride, fear, dreams, nervousness, hope, guilt. There is simply too much emotion wrapped up in this perfect little person to ever attain true stillness.
I am going to have to teach myself some semblance of it, because it has never been more clear how vital it is to professional writing.
The past 10 days have been pure hell; Charly has allowed me maybe 5 hours of broken sleep a night as she has really started teething and she has an upper respiratory tract infection. She is struggling to feed, meaning smaller feeds more often, she only wants to sleep on me, she doesn’t want me out of her sight and she is my baby, so she gets what she needs.
This all started the night before I started work again and just my luck, the first two articles are things I know nothing about so they have required a lot of research and understanding in order to relate them to my client’s business.
My brain hurts! Even without the sleep deprivation, the constant worry and concern for her as well as never being able to switch off the part of me that is listening to make sure she is alright (even when she is with my mom in the next room) is wearing me down.
I was lying in the bath earlier; I had hit a complete wall on the third version of an article and I had transferred Charly fast asleep into my mother’s arms so I could take a breather; and as I lay there I realised I was actively listening for her. I was unintentionally filtering through the sounds I knew she made and comparing them to what I could hear through two closed doors. And right then I was flooded by a longing for that internal quiet and my mind paged through memories to try to find the last time I felt that way. I realised Brett had taken a photo of it.
**Written for #writersbootcampza Day 9 – Pinings