I’ve been avoiding writing because I feel ashamed of how frazzled I have become. It seems no matter how fast I run, I can never quite keep up.
There was a moment of hope last week; for 4 nights she started sleeping longer (including our longest stretch ever at almost 5 hours). Then the last 2 nights have been appalling again, back to 90 minute wake ups.
When I say I don’t believe in it, I mean it in that first time mom zealot kind of way – I 100% buy into the science that it pushes your baby’s heart rate and blood pressure up, and that even once they stop crying themselves to sleep, that doesn’t stop. I also believe that your child stops crying because they don’t believe you’re going to come anymore. As a first time mom, I feel like I chose to have this baby and I did so knowing I might never sleep again, so I need to suck it up (buttercup).
I have no doubt when it comes to my second child, I will change my mind, because I simply have no idea how the superheroes who have multiple kids with different bedtimes and different schedules cope at all. I might even feel differently if I had to go off to an office job in the morning. But I don’t.
As it stands I am managing my one client with late night research and snatched moments of writing throughout the day with what feels like a constant sleep deprivation migraine. Helped along by my beautiful daughter “getting to know” her voice – shouting, screeching and this new incessant whining noise.
I still love my work; it’s about the only time I am reminded that I have a fully functional brain that processes more than just baby related items. On the other hand, if it ever came to a choice, I would pour all of the energy I have into being the best stay at home mom ever. It’s work from home or not at all for me.
I am desperately trying to re-train Charly into a routine of sorts, with two very distinct goals in mind – getting her to take a bottle of expressed milk once a day; and getting her to fall asleep anywhere other than on the breast.
You see, I have my mom here 4 days a week, specifically to look after Charly and allow me to work. This used to work beautifully – Charly never had an issue falling asleep as long as she was in my arms or my moms arms, and she only fed every 3 hours – always, from the time she was little (excluding growth spurts of course). I remember about 2 months ago my mom and I were talking about training her to sleep in her cot in the day; now I’d be thrilled with it being anywhere but on me!
Don’t get me wrong, there is no better feeling in all the world than having this little person want to be with you always, knowing you make her feel the safest she possibly could. And breastfeeding through the worst of times for almost 7 months is probably the thing I am most proud of in my life at the moment.
But the one thing my angel does do, is nap every 90 minutes like clockwork. I have tried stretching her awake time to 2 hours as is recommended at this age, but she isn’t there yet. So every 90 minutes, I have to stop what I’m doing and put her on the breast and get her to sleep. I then have to not move for anywhere between 30 minutes and 90 minutes, because the second I do, she wakes screaming. And if she doesn’t get all her naps in the day, I can kiss even the 90 minute stretches at night goodbye, and add crying at every waking.
So, yes, trying to create a new routine. My first step is trying to get her to take a bottle; every day with her lunch (she’s still nowhere near eating properly, though BLW has definitely helped), I give her cooled boiled water in the bottle. She mostly plays with it, but I have been pushing her for a week now and she seems to kind of have gotten the hang of it, though she still just opens her mouth and lets all the water run out on occasion. The theory is, if she will take a bottle, she might fall asleep drinking a bottle, and since the bottle is not physically attached to me, just maybe she will fall asleep for my mom. And just like magic, I could get up to 4 hours to work! Or blog. Or sleep.
For now, I am going to try build blogging by iPhone during one of her feeds/naps (as I’ve just done) so at least it isn’t empty time. There are so many things I want to write about; from the “no zero days” mantra that B and I picked up from Reddit and now try to live by (you should look it up in case I never get to it – it’s brilliant!), to finally finishing the “What I didn’t know about” breastfeeding and sleep posts.
I hope I manage it; I’m feeling quite isolated and I’m missing the community of the blog and even Twitter that I never seem to have time to get to anymore. I blame Instagram; when I’m exhausted and my eyes hurt, I find it easiest to look at everyone’s pictures and read their mini posts than to read even 140 characters. I think I will try schedule in Twitter specific time while C is feeding too.
Until then, I hope you all are well. I miss you guys!! So much love xx