One Handed Catch Up

Will try catch up while Charly feeds. My right hand still has pins and needles so typing is a bit tough & I am adapting this on my phone from a whatsapp message I sent. I really struggled when deciding whether to share how our first day home went because I am struggling with the shame that comes with the raw mix of emotions involved; but I promised to be honest and maybe this is the final purpose for this blog – forcing myself to confront things instead of running and hiding as is my instinct.

Firstly, Charly is gorgeous; way more beautiful than I could ever have imagined. It is all still a little surreal; though since getting home it is starting to sink in that there is a tiny human in our family now. I really thought the outpouring of new moms of “love of my life” and centre of the universe was a little OTT, but I get it now. I spend a lot of time just staring at her in awe of the fact that I had a part in making this perfect little human!

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Yesterday however was awful. First we found out she has some jaundice (after 2 days of me telling everyone she seemed yellowish to me & being told I was just overreacting), though they let her come home in the end we just have to keep a close eye on her colour.

She also has heavy sleep periods in the day, sleeping through feed times completely & then wakes up starving and too hysterical to latch. And when she sleeps like that it’s terrifying coz nothing wakes her; we’ve changed her, wiped her down etc she just mumbles and keeps sleeping. It may be jaundice related but the pediatrician says it also might just be the way she is. Yesterday she went 7 hrs without feeding & her tummy was grumbling so loudly and she just screeched and wouldn’t latch at all. I was convinced I was killing her by starving her (& not in a I’m going to be a bad mom way; in a my child may die in the next few hours because I can’t even get her to eat) & I completely lost it. I ended up making up some formula intending to give it to her, but instead thanks to my oldest & closest friend flying in to the rescue, I calmed enough to drip a few drops into her mouth to take the edge off and then managed to latch her.

My nipples are blistered and cracked & my milk isn’t in yet; I had laser twice yesterday and the doctor has me on pills to get my milk to come in. Even though it hurts like crazy sometimes, so far I have not been tempted to not feed because of it. I notice it more when she isn’t feeding that when she is.

My cut still feels like it is on fire & I am really struggling to move around at all; though in the crisis yesterday I did far more than I should have, went up & down the stairs and walked with her back and forth etc. Was horrifyingly painful but in the end it was the first time I felt like I wasn’t failing her coz I was doing things. I am definitely going to blog on the c-section experience, I had some bad turns so I know mine doesn’t reflect the norm, but the worst parts for me were things nobody had ever mentioned to me & so I feel I definitely need to share that.

Brett has been amazing throughout; he has done every nappy change, clothing change, winding, settling baby when she cries & me when I cry, he went to buy formula and milk pills and pain meds as soon as he almost had us settled and home and he runs up and down the stairs bringing me food and jungle juice (he also made that for me). And he is an incredible dad already; walking and singing and being patient as she screams while comforting me while I cry because she is screaming (this is as much because my uterus contracts causing extreme physical pain as the heartache of hearing her pain & until today, not being able to even get up to hold her or comfort her). I am blown away even just watching him watch her, they are already so in love with each other.

In the end I have basically been feeding Charly non stop since the craziness of yesterday, doing everything I can to make sure she doesn’t get crazy hungry before a feed. Until my milk comes in, I will just keep doing that. I am still using the formula, but 2 drops on the nipple to get her to latch and then all natural.

So that is all for now. Charly has fallen asleep on me and I am going to try dose off for a while. Strangely the sleep deprivation doesn’t seem to phase me much. Pretty sure it is shock and adrenalin, so just planning on taking advantage of lots of baby naps.

Thank you all for the endless messages of love and support; I am so very blessed to have you all in me life. I have already told Charly all about you xxx

Comments

  1. Amanda says

    Hi, hun. Just read your post – it brought back so many of those horrendous moments for me… The first few weeks I really wondered if I could handle being a mom. It felt like I’d been dozing in a fantasy of happy, loving, best-time-ever and woke up to realise I really had no handle on it at all!! I can confidently now say that my little boy is the most awesome gift but in the beginning – wow, there were some hard times. You can do everything you think she needs and she’s still crying? Par for the course! Latching is painful, difficult and can leave you feeling totally hopeless. I so envy the new moms who actually managed it – I thought I was the only one battling til I actually spoke up and discovered loads of ladies having similar trouble.
    Just keep speaking and asking and reading cos there is a huge amount of reassurance to be got from friends and fellow mommies.
    I’m so glad daddy’s embraced it all. My hubby also just stepped up and amazed me with his calm, get-it-done attitude. Your partner’s support or a close friend/family member will give you the boost you need. Especially when life starts feeling less crazy and you suddenly realise that you are beyond exhausted with still a full day ahead!
    Rereading through this – it sounds a bit scary but, in the end, I want you to know it IS wonderful! The fears get less intense, the joys just get better and better… Congrats to you both, xx

  2. Jenny says

    Oh my word, your experience is sounding just like the one I had with Dylan. First babies are hard – you don’t know what you are doing and they don’t know what they are doing. Seven hours of sleep ain’t good though so I hope she is a bit more awake now and feeding lots and lots. Have you tried nipple shields? I really find they help new moms a lot – just to get latch right and protect the nipples a bit, giving them time to heal and adjust. You don’t have to use them long term but they help. Take lots of rescue remedy and VASBYT okay? We are here for you – ask if you are confused or need help or just wanna vent. And remember you are the best mom for her, she chose you and you know her better than anyone in this world but it will take time to get to know each other inside out. One hour at a time!

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