I know I’m not one of those bloggers who blog about my day to day life. I also very rarely mention anything to do with the many and varied bodily fluids that us parents have to deal with on a daily basis. I was squeamish and very private about such things, until I had a baby. And yet, here I am – today is the day.
~~ DISCLAIMER ~~
If you don’t have kids, don’t read this – you don’t need to know and you won’t understand.
If you are pregnant, don’t read this yet; keep your innocence a little longer on this front, you will be eating a sandwich while changing a nappy soon enough!
If your youngest child is over 4, don’t read it at all – you made it out alive and apparently once they are out of nappies for a while, your gag reflex returns.
This IS one of those posts, so unless your child is of an age where a large portion of your conversation with others covers baby bodily fluids and other peoples potty misfortunes give you a giggle – DO NOT READ THIS!!
If you are still reading, don’t even THINK about reprimanding me for the content – YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Today began at 04h15 when Charly woke for a feed; nothing unusual in this, it’s generally a gentle quiet pop on the breast and back to sleep she goes and I deposit her back in her cot and back to sleep I go. This morning in my half asleep state I realised something wasn’t quite right; she had just fallen asleep and come off the breast and I was about to lift her to put her in her cot when I realised she was wet. Not in a slightly-damp-from-sweat kind of way, in a pretty much armpit-to-ankle moist kind of way – the freaking “top of the range” nappy had leaked at every single point (so the theory that the last ones leaked because they were too small was utter bullocks). I sincerely considered starting this post with “this post brought to you by X brand nappies” – in a literal rather than financial sense.
Then, the dilemma – do I let her sleep or change her; knowing if I change her, she would be wide awake for at least 2 hours. Being the stellar parent I am, I decided to wrap her in a blanket and let her sleep a little longer. As I lay – not sleeping, vilifying the nappy brand in my head, worrying terribly about her sleeping all wet and listening for the slightest sound that she was suffering from this terribly unjust thing I was doing – I repeatedly considered waking her to clean her up; but even though she was restless, she was asleep and I just didn’t have the heart (or, let’s be honest, the energy).
She started that awful gut-wrenching sleep whimpering at a little after 5 and again I had the great internal debate and decided to pat her back to sleep as opposed to waking her fully. Just before 6 I decided it was close enough to daytime, so when she started tossing and turning and squeaking (which she usually does till 6:30/45 before fully waking), I picked her up and started the process. I had to strip off her clothing and the useless mess that was her nappy, wipe her down with wipes and a warm cloth, dry her, cover her in powder (planning to bath her a little later) and put her in fresh dry clothing and a clean cursed nappy and change all her bedding and half my own. I then brought her into my bed to snuggle till I felt okay about waking Brett at 6:30.
You see, Brett sleeps in Charly’s room in the week so that he isn’t woken every hour or two through the night when she wakes me, so our usual morning routine is as such – Charly wakes between 6 and 6:30 (she finally put paid to our previous 7:30 wake ups about a month ago). I then cuddle with her in my bed or throw many fluffy toys to her in her cot which is up against my bed until 6:45 when I wake Brett. He comes and changes her nappy, gets her into her day clothes, plays with her in her room practicing crawling and talking with all her toys, feeds her breakfast and then brings her back to me around 7:45 with my toast and coffee. This means Charly gets a little daddy time and mommy, after a usual night of 6 broken hours of sleep, has literally the only silent sleep she gets.
Anyway, I am generally diligent about not waking him before 6:45, but today I asked if he could take her a little earlier since I’d been awake since 4 and he is at a function tonight from 17:30 – so it was going to be a long day. He happily took her, considering it a fair trade since she was all clean and ready for the day already. I’d just fallen asleep at 06:45 when he apologetically came back into the room saying she had finally done her number 2 that was due yesterday. I pulled the blankets over my head and put on the lamp for him.
Halfway through the change I heard outraged manly squeals as she had managed to pee all over him and herself (yes, girls can do that too). I got up to help, only to realise the poop had gotten all the way up her back, under her arms and in her hair. Nappy sellers are useless bastards, aren’t they? I pay a freaking fortune to get woken up by a baby drowned in pee, only to be followed a few hours later by poop in her neck and hair – SERIOUSLY?!? I suspect I shall be moving to Clicks brand as someone recommended the last time this lot ruined my day, and that time it wasn’t THIS bad!
Anyway, we wipe her down and strip the changing mat and lay her naked in the plastic change station while Brett entertains her and I go run her a bath. A few second later I hear Brett yelling for help. I drop the showerhead I was filling her bath with, spraying myself from head to toe, and run frantically to the bedroom to find him holding her in the air like the lion king, dripping with pee from her chin to her toes, the plastic change station flooded. How is it possible that one squirming squealing laughing little baby can make SO much bodily fluid in such a short space of time?! It’s not like she had time to refuel!
All of this, my friends, was before 7:15 in the morning. I am not even meant to be awake before 7:15 in the morning. There are days when you officially know that life as you once knew it is over, (let’s be honest, there are lots of those days), BUT, for me, none adds quite the same underlining and exclamation point as a day started like today.