I am always afraid to share the bad things at such a wonderful stage in my life, but I am having a day that I need to get out & if I’m feeling like this, there must be others out there feeling this way too.
Some days feel impossible. There is never a moment I wish my baby wasn’t here, I adore my baby, I am awed by her being every single day. But there are also plenty of days where everything weighs more than I can possibly bear, days I spend in tears desperately begging my 6 week old to tell me what’s wrong while praying she will sleep long enough for me to close my eyes for a nap.
There has been a run of 3 days now where she never seems quite settled. Her little face crumples even as she feeds or tries to sleep & she whimpers over something that she can’t express & I can’t make better. My heart contracts agonisingly & my throat closes with frustrated tears.
Last night between 2:30am & 8:30am she slept for a grand total of 2 hours, an hour of that in my arms; every time she started drifting off she startled awake screaming & I had to rock her back to sleep. No matter how deep she seemed, the second I put her down in her cot, the howling started up again & only mommy’s arms could make it better.
Mommy’s arms were aching, mommy’s eyes were burning & tired had taken on a whole new meaning; but that’s irrelevant when you are mommy, because you always have to make it better forever. That is a huge responsibility, so having a few bad days as you adjust to that is surely normal?
I was at the end of my sanity this morning; today has been a long one and I have felt very cold & detached from everything & everyone. The guilt for feeling that way got really bad over the course of the day & eventually the seemingly endless tears have washed away the distance.
I’m feeling warmer now. My baby is fast asleep on my chest & I’ve been staring at her feeling my heart fill up again. I’ve begun noticing her hair is changing to a rich dark brown with what looks like a warm red shining through. Her long blonde lashes are darkening, the blue of her eyes is deepening & she stares at me like I am the most amazing thing she could ever possibly see.
And now at the end of the day; as she purses her pouty little lips, blows bubbles or practices her side smile watching me to ensure I am watching her; it feels less like responsibility & more like a gift again.
The love & outpouring of support from all of you on Twitter reminded me that I was not alone & I really appreciated you trying to tell me it would get better. I guess I just had to work my way through the low to truly believe it, and even so I know this was only one day & there will probably be many more of them on this journey.
The message I think is that even on the worst day, when you feel like you just can’t do it anymore, when you feel like you are all alone and nobody can really understand you, there is an end in sight.
Thank you all once again for everything you do & the support and wisdom you share; you are pinpoints of light on even the darkest day.