Saying I finally feel like a mommy might sound bizarre considering my daughter is two this week, but only in the past few weeks have I really begun to feel like what I have always pictured being a mother to be.
I mean, I identify myself first and foremost as a mommy when asked who I am or what I do; but it has remained surreal to a large degree. She was my whole world for the first year and a bit, meaning I never did anything for me first. But when I stopped to think about the fact that she was my child, MY child, a part of me, that I was a mommy, it was all a little dream-like.
I still feel like a child myself a lot of the time; there are times I have to stop and look in the mirror to remind myself I am nowhere near the insecure kid I was – I am a full-blown insecure adult now!
Charly starting school shifted something. The getting her clothes prepped and packing her lunch and brushing her hair and tying it in a ponytail, settling her in her car seat, and doing the trip to school. The prepping her fresh cold water for the car ride home, waiting for her to finish class and fly into my arms for a hug chattering a mile a minute, making sure she has all her stuff and then doing the drive home while talking about her day. These things apparently conform to my deep-seated associations with what being a mommy is all about.
Is that really strange? It’s amazing the echoes we have of our own childhoods and how they affect our perception. Strange or not, there has definitely been a change.
I can suddenly see a glimpse into our future – play dates, extra murals, school events. I see her artwork up on her classroom walls and I know they will one day be on my fridge. I tie her hair in a mostly neat ponytail instead of leaving it curling wildly and flopping in her face.
There has been a shift in her too. She has a new habit of singing everything, even when she is playing alone with her figurines. She sings a “pack away” song as she clears up her toys – she cleans up her toys sometimes!! She wants to go up and down stairs (and chairs and ladders and tables) alone – and manages it well (albeit with us hovering “casually” just within reach). Her counting now goes straight to 12 and she rarely forgets any numbers. She tells us stories about wolves that huff and puff, and Wolves that have big eyes and teeth – anybody else notice wolves were a big thing in fairytales?! She tells me to hurry to get ready in the mornings because it’s school time.
So my baby going to school has had some good and strange knock on effects in my world. I must say, even with the added stress of rushing to get ready, getting out of my pjs, putting on makeup every morning (who am I even?), lunch boxes, envelopes with carefully counted money and neat writing on them, I have this little smile that hovers constantly… I finally feel like a mommy! I am doing all the mommy things! And I’m not (ALWAYS) getting it wrong! I feel like I need a badge of some sort
Sending all the love xx