I know I have been completely absent again. I enjoyed the writing challenge I was doing, I was loving writing every night while I fed Charly, but life was a bit hectic with baby all night wake ups and work, so I took a step back… And fell off the ends of the earth.
I pulled another of my disappearing into something else manoeuvres. It’s what I do when I am feeling overwhelmed, I escape into another world. Pre-Charly, porridge brain and sleep deprivation, when I had a larger attention span, I would read – devouring entire books in hours, entire series of books in weeks. I haven’t had the mental capacity yet to finish the book I was reading when I had Charly. For now, it’s tv series. Since I last wrote, I have watched 5 seasons of Parenthood – only in the evening and on weekends, “work hours” in the week are purely for work and Charly – so yes, escapism.
As I neared the last few episodes of season 5 on Sunday evening, I could feel myself coming reluctantly back to the world. Somehow when I do these little mental getaways, I do process things in the back of my mind. I am feeling a little clearer, though not that much less overwhelmed; though I have mostly found a rhythm with navigating the tightrope between full time mom and work.
Introducing solids has been a lot more difficult than I had anticipated. The first day Charly seemed to love the rice cereal and ate most of the 2 teaspoons; there were no tears or gagging or choking, just a smily baby savouring every mouthful.
The next day she had the first few tastes, then started gagging and spitting and forcing her lips together so tightly I couldn’t force them open with the spoon. Since then we have tried purity (fruit and veg), homemade purée (fruit and veg), Woolies baby food mix, mixing cereal and fruit, and we were getting nowhere. Every now and then she will eat a little and I will get excited, but she has only finished cereal and pear mix once and one serving of the Woolies mix and it’s been 3 weeks.
Her tummy has also not been happy at all; from working after every feed when we were exclusively breastfeeding to only every 2 days suffering terrible discomfort and then a very upset tummy once it does go; it has been an ordeal for everyone.
I really thought it was going to be easy; she has been showing all the signs of readiness for a while, but I steered clear until 24 weeks as per the nursing sister’s suggestion and because she has thrived beautifully purely on breastmilk. She has been sitting beautifully for as long as we leave her for close on a month already, having started just after 3 months. She puts everything in her mouth, including her spoons and her plates and actively tries to grab my food. She even copies my chewing motions while watching me eat. My kid is literally the poster child for readiness, and yet she won’t eat. The one feed we’ve been trying to give her a day leaves us both a mess, literally and emotionally.
After a lot of research, I decided to give Baby Led Weaning a try (giving baby sticks of safe foods to feed themselves). Yesterday she demolished nearly 2 sticks of avo, seeming to love it and the massive mess I allowed her to make. I was so excited and hopeful.
Today, not so much. She wasn’t interested in the avo, so I cooked her some pear which she also showed no interest in past a few sucks. I am trying not to get despondent already, because she has been very out of sorts today in general, her teeth seem to be really bothering her again. But I am struggling with positivity at the moment.
Another reason for my battle with positivity is that I went shopping for a couple of outfits for the upcoming weekend. I have been so excited about the #CTMEETUP and my niece’s second birthday that it didn’t occur to me that I have only 3 outfits that fit me and none of them are special occasion friendly. I do not feel comfortable sharing how much weight I am carrying or how much bigger the clothes I had to buy were, and I suppose that says it all since I have shared everything else with you. Suffice it to say I ugly cried as I tried things on and as I paid for them and as I lay in my bed the rest of the day and night. I even had to buy new shoes because my shoe size has gone up, and they are ugg boots, not the pretty shoes I might have bought before.
I desperately hope nobody responds to this post with talk of diet and exercise; I know I need to get there, but right now I am running on empty. I breastfeed at least every 3 hours 24 hours a day; I get maybe 6 hours of broken sleep a night; I’m dealing with a teething angel who only wants her mommy; I’m researching and writing business articles for journals and maintaining a client blog while trying to keep this blog alive and be a good mommy, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, niece and friend; so if you come between me and my potatoes or rice or pasta (or a bowl made up of all of these covered in cheese and bacon) – I will hurt you. And no, exercise does not make me feel energised and good about myself, it never has, even when I did it long term; it makes me tired and most of all hungry.
This was a rant post, I needed to get it out of my system. It will be immediately followed by a much MUCH happier one, so let’s close this off and move on.