Coming back to writing has been far harder than anticipated. We had a really bad run of things with Brett getting sick for 2 weeks, then Charly getting flu that turned into bronchiolitis & being unable to feed, leading to an ER visit and then, just as she recovered, I got it & when she got her vaccinations it retriggered the virus in her adding a 3 day fever into the mix.
It all got on top of me for a while & I was feeling very low and unable to believe things would ever get better. There is genuinely nothing quite like the fear you feel for your sick baby whose fever won’t break at 3am when you are irrational from fever and sleep deprivation yourself. But somehow, things finally turned a corner & we all started getting well again.
Charly is growing & developing at a sudden incredible pace. She sits up from a reclining position, rocks back and forth all on her own, pushes herself into a standing position while leaning against me, grasps for toys & holds onto them for a few minutes at a time, chatters away to us & her toys (especially as she wakes or falls asleep), clasps her little hands in front of her as if in prayer, opens her mouth & squints her eyes in glee for kisses and stares at & explores Brett and my faces with her little fingers. She gets so excited to see Brett; her face lights up, her smile gets huge with her gorgeous dimples on display & she starts frantically gabbling to him high-pitchedly as if telling him all the things he has missed during the night or during the work day – my heart literally aches with love watching them.
I seem to have not only found my way out of the darkness but to be finally coming out of the mommy hermit shell I’ve been living in. I’m guessing there is a reason maternity leave is 4 months, because just after 3 months I’ve begun feeling like a person again. I have also realised I need to find a way to knit the different parts of my life and who I am into a cohesive whole again. When I fell pregnant I seem to have fragmented myself on many levels, even something as simple as separating my writing as a mommy blogger & my professional writing. While I get that there needs to be separation between life & “work”, both are a huge part of who I am and I need to find a way to connect them.
I also need to start building a routine for Charly & I. I thrive on routine & started one with Charly quite early when it came to feeding & sleep, but first the mastitis & then all the illness completely irradicated any semblance of our patterns. So now we need to start from scratch so that she can catch up with the other precious littles her age & start letting me sleep for more than 2 hours at a time!
I will be setting aside writing time every day & hopefully building back up to regular PICT posts from Monday too so that when I begin my client writing in July we will already have space for that in our day. And now that we are FINALLY germ free, we are starting to see people again from next week too.
Part of me; the makeup-free, pajama-wearing, living-in-my-bed-all-day-every-day part of me; is feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of it all & is desperately trying to convince the rest of me that bed-living is really the best thing for Charly and I now that winter has made it’s presence felt. But I know I need to start returning to the world now for Charly’s sake as well as my own.
And so here it is, this post is me dipping my toe back into the real (if virtual) world. No promises as to future content right now, I feel maybe the half-written posts of the past weeks might be best left where they are, so we will see what our fresh writing routine brings up for us. It’s good to be back, I’ve missed you all xxx