I am having one of those days where I wish I was anywhere but here, do you know what I mean?
Before I was a mommy and had my own businesses and a bond and a car to pay off; I had an active rewarding job, I had a reliable substantial income that I spent on myself and spoiling my then-fiancé, I had pretty nails and monthly massages and hair treatments, I bought new stylish clothes whenever I wanted to, I attended flashy events and was published in the newspapers. And the holidays… sigh. Beautiful hotels, overseas trips, exploring Africa, lying on a balcony for hours overlooking whales dancing in the bay below while reading 3-4 books in a weekend away. Today I am having a day where I really miss that life, that me I used to be. Today I really just wanted to be anywhere but here.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not unhappy. I love my life now. I adore my beautiful intelligent baby girl and my husband; my work is rewarding on a very personal and deep level, even though the cash flow is on the weak side. I am desperately grateful that I have a home that is ours, a safe and reliable car, a mostly healthy family. I have a beautiful talented sister who is making her dreams come true, I have a perfect baby beanie niece, my dad survived terminal cancer and is able to be an adored grampa to our kids, I even get to have my mom with me and my baby girl every day. I am surrounded daily by so many incredible women that inspire me to work harder and be better and reach higher. I am so incredibly blessed.
I haven’t had a holiday since my babymoon when I was 6 months pregnant, 3 years ago almost. My huge heart project is hanging, waiting for somebody – anybody – to jump on board so I can get it really started and make a huge difference in the life of children in SA. I have poured my heart and soul into this, I am so passionate about making little kids safer and not having to physically restrain myself every single day when I see yet another baby in literal mortal danger standing on the front seat of a car or even wearing a seatbelt in the front seat – that seat belt could actually kill them for pete’s sake – LOOK AFTER YOUR BABIES PEOPLE!!!
My baby is sick every week from school, my nerves are ragged from constant worry about fevers over 39 degrees and coughs that leave her breathless. My aunt is in the hospital with very scary symptoms and my mom is heartbroken and afraid for her sister. I am tired. So so very tired.
SO yes, today I am wishing I was sitting in silence by the sea, or wandering around the streets and parks in New York City, or lying with cheetahs, watching elephants in the wild, watching dolphins and just being wowed by nature, or having the only sound be the roaring of Victoria Falls or floating in a boat alongside a group of laughing hippos in the Zambezi. My heart aches when I think of that kind of serenity and peace and the absolute lack of any fear or anxiety or noise. Anywhere but here.
But I won’t be sitting and dwelling on it. There is no time. I can sit and go through old photos or get lost in the amazing book that I am reading with a headlamp in the dark in Charly’s room while she sleeps. But right now I have to get back to the real world. Real life.
Where would you rather be today?
Sending all the love xx